


cumbersome and heavy body

by wishyouweresober



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorder Recovery, Eating Disorders, Fainting, Injury, M/M, Malnourishment, Okumura Eiji-centric, Permanent Injury, bullimia, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:42:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29595036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishyouweresober/pseuds/wishyouweresober
Summary: He didn't know how he ever thought this would make him beautiful. He recognized that this- falling whenever he tried to walk, his hair thinning, lying to the people he loved the most- wasn't beautiful. And still, some voice in his head told him he was almost there. That he was so close. To what, he didn't know.All he knew was that sometimes he'd find his eyes tracing the bodies of his more fit peers. Ash, sometimes too. And before he felt any guilt, he felt something akin to jealousy. Yes... it was jealousy.So no, he didn't know what he was going after. What he was chasing. But it seemed to be something close to perfection.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji (implied, theyre not officially dating tho
Comments: 1
Kudos: 50





	cumbersome and heavy body

**Author's Note:**

> tw/// EATING DISORDER, ANOREXIA, BULLIMIA, PURGING, HOSPITALS, INJURY, MENTION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT,  
> pls b careful!!! i love yall

New York had to be Eiji's favorite place. But that didn't mean that the feeling of suffocation or intense urges to end his life and hope that in his next life he wouldn't be so _painfully disgusting_ went away _._ In the past, he'd easily satiated that horrifying intrusive thought with a few skipped meals. But as time went on, the urge grew to a point larger than he could ignore. And he seemed to get benefits from his suffering. If there was one thing he'd enjoyed about the nauseating emptiness- it was the fact that he could _fly_ so much easier. 

It was so easy to excuse his dieting. After all- _'everyone diets'_ , as he'd claimed so many times. But then it became too much to hide. His bones were deteriorating, and he found himself slowing down in his sprints and having a harder time catching his breath after his vaults.

And then it all came to a crash. He'd known there was something off that day. He'd gripped the pole with sweaty hands, despite the intense cold that had seemed to ingrain itself into his bones. But he'd pushed through the pain. That was all he did lately. And he knew, looking down at the ground below him, that this jump would be his last. He'd landed with a crash, and everything was a blur since then.

He'd thought that a crash meant he'd hit the bottom. That there was no more _falling_ . But that didn't seem to be true. His weight plummetted faster than he thought possible. He didn't have a reason to restrict _just enough_ that he was still able to function. He had every reason to lose control. He'd lost his scholarship, lost his career... 

He had nothing left.

One night, he had been running- _running, even though he'd eaten less than half of a meal that day-_ and had collapsed onto a bench when he could no longer hold himself up. His injured ankle was screaming in protest. It was 1 A.M., and he honestly didn't expect to see anyone.

And then he heard someone clear their throat, and speak panicked words. "Hey, are you alright? Do you need an ambulance?" He hadn't planned on answering, but that last part made him shoot up. He fell back down almost a second later. "Relax, drink this." And then there was a gasp. "Eiji? What- I didn't even recognize you..." Eiji finally allowed himself to look up, slowly enough that he wouldn't pass out again.

"Ah, Ibe-san. Sorry, I didn't drink much water today." Ibe nodded, but something in his eyes told Eiji that he knew it was more than that. He didn't know when he got bad enough that everyone knew what was happening _just by looking at him._

"You should eat something." And then there was that eye contact. Ibe was looking to confirm his suspicions, and the panic in Eiji's eyes served well enough.

And now he was here. Ibe had brought him to America after a few months of trying to _help_ Eiji. And Eiji couldn't deny that he had relieved some of the burdens of his... disorder. He might not have recovered, but he found that he no longer stayed up until 7 A.M. every night, just so he could sleep the entire day away.

But then there was Ash. He loved him so much that it almost horrified him. For a while, he'd given up on that entire concept of _love._ Ash brought out the best of him. The way he was in America... it was _nothing_ like back in Japan. He seemed happy. Everyone who spoke to him thought that he was _so happy._ So carefree and blissful and- 

It hadn't taken long before Ash found out.

Ash had been suspicious of something going on for a while- having seen hushed conversations between Eiji and Ibe where the elder tried to urge the other to eat as tears dripped down Eiji's face. Having seen all the times that Eiji's eyes lingered too long on a mirror, eyes boring into his stomach. Having seen all the times that Eiji seemed to be doing calculations in his head before he even touched his food. Having seen _Eiji._ He was bone thin when he arrived in America. And for a while, in the beginning, he could've sworn that Eiji was looking better. But then everything with Dino picked up the pace, and suddenly Ash found himself busier than ever. And he'd come home after a week of being gone to find Eiji on the verge of collapsing, a shivering frame and sunken eyes and- It hadn't taken him long to recognize what was going on.

"How long since you ate?" Those were the five words that he thought he'd like to go the rest of his life without hearing. He could feel Ash's hand lightly stroking his hair and the oppressive feeling of his dark bedroom walls closing in on him. His stomach felt painfully empty, shaking underneath three blankets.

But he couldn't bring himself to be honest, even with the knowledge that Ash already knew the answer to his question. "Not hungry, already ate." His words came out quietly. He never liked lying to Ash.

"Eiji..." Ash sighed. Eiji clenched his eyes shut, trying to suppress his thoughts of _how am I supposed to breathe when everyone is always on top of everything I do?_

"I thought you were going to be out for this week," Eiji rasped out.

"I came back."

"Why?" Eiji's voice came quickly. He finally opened his eyes and turned to look at Ash. The other boy looked exhausted, green eyes sunken and blonde hair astray. He had a bruise staining his right cheek. Eiji reached up slowly and cupped his uninjured cheek. "What happened?"

Ash smiled, but it was strained and didn't reach his eyes. "A small fight. It's nothing." His face fell the second he'd finished speaking. And then he was biting his lip, concern clear in his eyes. "Eiji... you have to eat."

Eiji sighed, closing his eyes for a few moments while he tried and prevented himself from snapping. Finally, he opened his eyes and looked over to the wall. Anywhere but Ash. "I told you, I already did. Can we just talk about something else?" But Eiji knew how these things worked. The second people know, it's all they want to talk about. It's all they can focus on.

He almost... Sometimes he felt like _he_ slipped away and became his disorder.

"You can't go on like this. You'll..." The unspoken word. Of course. Eiji finally sat himself up. His muscles, exhausted from a lack of nutrients, groaned in protest. He wondered if Ash could see him wince. Or the headrush he'd gotten from _just sitting up._

If he did, he didn't mention it.

"Fine. But I already told you that I _ate_." 

"Look at me, Eiji." The man in question winced at the idea of looking at Ash, knowing that he was going to look _so sad_ \- He brought his eyes up to face the other, and there was something greater than concern or sadness there. But he couldn't quite place it. "When did you last eat?" 

Looking into the other's green eyes and having to confront _everything_ that his disorder caused made it harder for Eiji to lie. And for a while, he thought that not speaking might be better. But Ash looked so scared and Eiji couldn't keep allowing him to think he was about to _die_. Because he wasn't. It hadn't even been a week. And honestly, he normally ate every day. He just couldn't bring himself to the past few days. "A couple of days ago- um, I think." 

Ash winced, and Eiji was shocked to find that he still looked as if Eiji was about to die right in front of him. "Okay... Okay." Ash let out a deep breath. "Can you come to the kitchen with me?"

Could he? He didn't want to.

But he found himself nodding and trying to ignore the on edge way that Ash stared at him, ready to catch him in case he couldn't walk all the way to the kitchen. Eiji stood up and for a moment thought that maybe he could make it. But in about three seconds his vision went black and Ash had to stop him from collapsing to the floor.

He came back to Ash's concerned voice, almost 10 seconds later. "Eiji, are you alright?" Eiji winced at the loud noise, turning to bury his face into Ash's chest. 

"'m fine. Sorry." He didn't want to look up to see Ash's concern. He didn't think he could handle it.

" _Please_ eat, Eiji. You're killing yourself!" Ash's voice cracked, and Eiji turned to see that Ash was crying. 

"Don't cry, I'm okay. _Aslan._ " Ash rubbed his tears away, holding onto Eiji loosely, fearing that he might crush the bones that he could feel prodding into him. 

"I can... I can bring some food here."

"No, I'll come to the kitchen. I just... I just need a bit of support." It hurt him to admit, but Eiji knew it would be less humiliating than having to eat in bed because he couldn't even make it to the kitchen. Finally, he pushed himself up and let Ash help him to the kitchen.

He sat down in the chair at the small table, tapping nervously. He'd made it so far without eating. And he could see the way that his collarbone had begun to protrude in such a nice way. Maybe he could just excuse himself again. Maybe...

Ash placed down two plates at the table, and Eiji was relieved to see that he received less food. 

"It's dangerous to eat a lot, or... A normal amount after not eating. Especially while malnourished." It was as if Ash had read his mind when he spoke. 

Eiji nodded but couldn't tear his eyes away from the plate. There was silence for an abnormal amount of time, so he glanced up and saw Ash staring nervously. Just in an attempt to appease him, he grabbed his fork. He analyzed his plate, silently noting the calories in his head. It was a simple meal. Easy to identify the foods. He'd always been the chef in their... friendship.

There was salad and chicken on the plate, and he thought that maybe he could stomach eating that. And for a bit of time he could. He ate slowly, drinking water most of the time rather than eating. He and Ash kept up the conversation, but something was off.

And he _knew_ this was going to happen. He _knew_ his disorder would take over. Again.

That's why he forced himself to eat a few bites of the pasta on the side of his plate- and if after they ate, he rushed to the bathroom... Ash didn't need to know. All it took was a small smile and some excuse, and he could kneel on the bathroom floor and-

This pattern went well for a few weeks, of which he noticed Ash seemed to be more watchful of him- as well as being more present in their apartment. Eiji couldn't help but feel bad. He was drawing attention away from Ash's mission to take down his _fucking abuser_ , all so he could eat the amount of food he was meant to- _and throw it up after._

_But the thing with eating disorders is that everything will come out eventually._

It was a normal day, Ash focused on some work with Dino that Eiji likely wouldn't understand. Or would mess up... That was the thing, is that Eiji couldn't help Ash by being here. And he didn't even look like he was _meant_ to be here. So why _was_ he here?

But that didn't matter, Eiji concluded- all he knew was that he was. But whenever Ash left the apartment, Eiji thought that maybe that meant he'd be able to avoid breakfast and lunch and only eat dinner.

However, a few minutes after Ash left, the door was pushed open. Eiji jumped, startled from where he'd been staring at the mirror and regretting the meals that he'd been coerced into eating.

All of a sudden, Shorter was in his apartment. Eiji practically ran away from the mirror and over to the living room, where Shorter had just collapsed onto the couch. "Eiji! What's up?"

"Um- nothing, I was just- Wait, did Ash make you come here?" His voice was soft, unconfrontational, but Eiji could see the guilt growing on the other's face. 

"Nah, I'm just... Here," Eiji rose an eyebrow at him. "Okay, yes. But it's not like I wouldn't want to. And I _swear_ I don't want to be like that but I have to ask- did you eat yet?"

There it was. 

Eiji forced himself to look casual and calm, rolling his eyes playfully. "Yes, I did. And did you? I can make something!"

Shorter hummed suspiciously, "Why don't we both eat something." 

Eiji sighed but nodded nonetheless. He didn't want to make this harder on Ash. He could just... He could just purge a few more times than normal today. It wouldn't matter. It was just once. 

So that's what he did. He and Shorter baked a cake. Eiji would never know why, but baking felt comforting. Even though he could hear the calories being listed in his head. Even though he could see his fingers getting stained by flour and sugar.

He ate a small slice of cake. A moment later, he rushed to the bathroom and purged.

He ate a slice of toast when Shorter noticed him shaking. He purged it as soon as he could. That's when everything seemed to crash. He'd felt weaker than ever. His lips were swollen, his knuckles scarred and cut up. He'd had side effects like this before, but _never this bad._

Shorter left when Ash arrived, Eiji laying down on the couch and acting asleep. Well, honestly he just didn't think he had the energy to open his eyes. But it turned out acting asleep could have its benefits as well.

"Did he eat?" That was Ash.

"Not... Not really. Just like a slice of bread and a bit of cake. Oh, we baked by the way."

"Yeah that... That sounds right." It was silent for a few moments, and then Ash spoke up again. "Thanks, Shorter. I owe you."

"Nah, not at all. I love Eiji. Plus, maybe soon he'll be my _brother-in-law,_ huh?" Eiji blushed, practically feeling Shorter's smirk from here.

"Bye, Shorter!" Ash said, laughing.

"Alright, alright, don't rush me. Bye man. And if there's anything I can do to help, let me know. I feel bad for the poor kid. He wouldn't stop shaking and- I dunno. Just, let me know. Alright?"

With that, the door closed and Eiji heard Ash sigh with a smile. "Eiji."

Eiji opened his eyes, wondering if he could even bring himself to move. "Aslan. How was today?" While he spoke, he had to suppress a wince from the extreme pain in his throat.

Ash sat down next to his head, placing it gingerly in his lap. "We're getting _so close_ to bringing him down. I just wish... I wish you could be with me."

"Me too..." Eiji sighed. "Maybe I can. One day."

"One day," Ash promised. Then, he stood up and held out a hand for Eiji to take. _Shit._ Eiji prepared himself, taking it and allowing his trembling body to be held up. "Are you alright? You're shaking." Ash grabbed a blanket from the couch, wrapping it around Eiji's shoulders.

"I'm fine. Just cold."

"I think it's... Okay, yeah. I think there's a bit of dinner leftover from yesterday. Up for it?"

Eiji's throat was _screaming_ and he couldn't stop shaking. He felt like his stomach was plummetting. He could barely stand up or move without feeling nauseous and dizzy. "I'm not hungry. But I'll come to sit."

"Eiji, _please._ " Ash sounded so desperate.

Eiji's eyes closed for a moment, and he was shocked to find that tears were slipping down his face. "I can't. I _can't._ I'm sorry." Ash didn't speak again, bringing Eiji to the table and gently sitting him down. Despite the other's claims, he still placed a plate in front of him. Just in case.

"Eiji... I know I sound annoying but please eat. I can't just watch you _kill_ yourself." Eiji didn't respond, wrapping his blanket around himself tighter as if it could shield him from the rest of the world.

Finally, after a few minutes of silence, he took a small bite of his food. It was mashed potatoes, packed with calories and starches. In a second, he was filled with regret. His throat protested, his entire _self_ protested. But Ash looked so relieved. So he ate a few more bites. One more time, one more purge- it wouldn't hurt him. It couldn't get worse.

He finished off his glass of water and placed down his fork. He noticed Ash's eyes flitting to the toothmarks on his knuckles, and knew that he had little time before the realization set in. "I'll be back." He forced himself up, ignoring the way that his eyesight was fading and rushing to the bathroom. His knees slammed onto the cold marble floor in front of the toilet and he shoved his fingers down his throat. He couldn't even hear Ash's footsteps following him. He didn't even notice that he hadn't locked the door. He really only noticed Ash's presence when Ash had pulled him back from the toilet.

" _No, no, no!_ Get off of me!" He found himself shouting and crying before he could stop it. He knew he was being illogical, but at that point, all he cared about was finishing what he'd started. It felt like the calories were seeping into his skin and suddenly he was hyperventilating. "I need to- _Please_ let go!"

Ash shushed him, but he couldn't hide his own sobs. "Eiji, breathe. Please. Eiji..." 

But the black corners of his vision only grew until he went limp in Ash's arms.

After his pole-vaulting incident, Eiji had awoken in a hospital. There were bright white lights over him as well as the eyes of concerned doctors and his coach. His mother was there, his father as absent as ever. She looked the same way she always had, though. Distant. And he could tell she didn't care much. 

And then they'd started to speak, saying things like " _anorexia_ " and " _in-patient_ ". That hadn't caught his attention. What had was when they told him he'd likely never be able to pole-vault again.

Maybe that's what had thrown him so deep into this disorder.

Or maybe that was just an excuse.

It was almost a year later, and here he was. Back at the hospital. Except now, he saw Ash and Ibe looking at him with such genuine concern. And it felt weird. He felt pathetic. Even more so when the doctors repeated what he'd already known, and asked him if he'd ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder- _yes._ Asked him if he was purging- _yes._

There he was, taking Ash's attention away from something as big as bringing down a mafia boss, bringing down Ash's abuser- _just because he couldn't fucking eat._

When the doctor left, he absorbed the silence of those around him. "You don't have to be here. I'm sure there's more to be done with Dino, and everything." 

"We do. Eiji, you were _dead._ Do you- Do you know that?" Eiji looked at the ceiling. "I got you out of inpatient. But I don't know how much longer it'll be put off. Especially considering... You're not a citizen of the U.S. If you have to go to inpatient, it won't be in America." And that scared him. He couldn't leave. He couldn't go back. He _had nothing_ back in Japan.

"I'm sorry. I'll get better." He finally spoke. His voice was quiet.

He knew that he was lying.

There was no purging anymore. Not now, after Ash found out. He was watched carefully after meals. He was on some strict diet given to him by a nutritionist. And he was _never alone._ Not unless Ash was asleep. That didn't happen often. But the second it did, which was almost two weeks after his hospital visit, he rushed to the bathroom. He searched the cabinets where he knew the scale had once resided- and _thankfully_ found it. Ash still hadn't found Eiji's purchase.

He quickly stripped down to just his boxers, taking a deep breath before he stepped onto the scale. Logically, he knew that he still had water and food weight from the previous day. And logically, he knew that the weight displayed was still considered slightly underweight. But suddenly he felt the weight of what recovery had done to him crash onto his body all at once. He found himself pressed against the bathroom wall with a hand held tightly over his mouth, just in an effort to muffle his sobs. He stared into the mirror and practically _saw_ the weight that had built upon him.

He had gotten so big after only two weeks in recovery. Who knew how much more his weight would go up? And abruptly he was throwing up into the toilet, the same one that he'd kneeled in front of so many other times.

And then it got worse. What he thought _couldn't_ get worse, got worse. 

The door opened, and Ash was cursing as he helped Eiji up. "Did you- Did you purge again? How'd you get a scale- Eiji..."

"I didn't! I didn't. I swear, I swear. I had the scale from a while ago. Please don't take it." His words were slurred and his voice weak from being sick. Ash brought him over to the sink and cleaned him up gingerly, shivering when he saw how bad it had gotten. Eiji's bones were evident underneath his skin. He was covered in a thin layer of peach fuzz all around his body. He had bruises adorning his legs and arms. His ribcage pressed out in a way that must've been painful. 

Ash had known Eiji's weight. He'd known how bad his health had become. But nothing compared to seeing the damage so blatantly.

"Ash... Please believe me. I didn't. I swear." Eiji's voice was shaky as he held himself up on the bathroom counter. 

"I believe you." Ash didn't know how true that was. Eiji was putting his clothes back on, and Ash couldn't help himself from speaking his concern. "Eiji, there's nothing to you. You look..."

"Fat?" Eiji choked out when Ash didn't finish. "I know. I don't know how you can even _look_ at me."

"What about you is fat? Look at me." Ash turned Eiji so that they were both standing next to each other in the mirror. Even Eiji couldn't deny the size difference. "Eiji, you're so much smaller than me. Am I fat?"

"No, of course not. But you're... You're beautiful. I'm not."

Eiji sniffed, rubbing away stray tears and glancing down to the scale. "How could you say that, Eiji? You are beautiful."

Eiji just shook his head, turning and pressing his head into Ash's chest. "I'm tired. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. Can we go to bed?"

Ash sighed, blinking back tears and hugging him. Loosely.

Another night, Eiji had just finished half of his plate. That was a record for him. And he could tell that Ash noticed too, even though he hid it. But while Ash felt proud, Eiji felt _disgusting._

He cleared his throat, chugging the rest of his water. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." Ash gave him a deadpan look. And they locked eyes. Before, Eiji's heart might've fluttered with something akin to being flustered. And honestly, it still did. But now it was accompanied by something else. Something worse. They had a silent debate.

"Half an hour. You know how it works, Eiji." Eiji closed his eyes, trying to reign in his emotions. 

"Yes, I know. I won't throw up. Now can I please just use the bathroom?" Eiji looked at him innocently, trying to hide the shouting in his head. "I'm older than you and therefore your elder, don't forget that."

Ash snorted, "Yes. I know that. But still. Thirty minutes. That's all."

"I don't know why they said that. It can take two to six hours for people with slower digestion to fully absorb the calories." 

Ash gave him a look of disbelief, "Comforting, Eiji. Thanks." Ash scanned his eyes over Eiji, and the brown-haired boy knew he was analyzing him. "You know how many calories are on your plate, don't you?"

Eiji laughed, "I don't think you're going to like my answer."

Ash didn't respond after that, simply pouring more water and analyzing him more. Ash tended to do that a lot. Eiji wondered if that was his way of finding control, the same way he had with food.

"550, about." Eiji cleared his throat. He poured himself more water and then thought for another moment. "To go even more specific, I'd say 545." He pointed at the items on his plate. "That's 245. 100. 150. 50." 

Ash scoffed, "You have a problem."

"That's why we're here, isn't it?"

They locked eyes, and both could tell that they were trying not to laugh. They really shouldn't laugh. It _was not_ funny. But they were young. And they couldn't help it.

That was the first time either had laughed in a while.

That was the problem, though. They were young. And Ash was trying to cure Eiji of a disorder that he'd had for a majority of his life.

He didn't know how he ever thought _this_ would make him beautiful. He recognized that _this_ \- falling whenever he tried to walk, his hair thinning, lying to the people he loved the most- wasn't beautiful. And still, some voice in his head told him he was almost there. That he was _so close_. To what, he didn't know.

All he knew was that sometimes he'd find his eyes tracing the bodies of his more fit peers. Ash, sometimes too. And before he felt any guilt, he felt something akin to jealousy. Yes... it was jealousy.

So no, he didn't know what he was going after. What he was chasing. But it seemed to be something close to perfection.


End file.
